Musings
by Loopstagirl
Summary: Jeff is given the chance to simply sit and think.
1. Scott

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, all rights belong to their respective owners._

_Because there is nothing like a bit of procrastination. _

* * *

All I can do is sit there.

Just sit there and watch as you once again fly off to save the day. You venture out into the unknown, the only certainty being that danger will be present and that your life will be at risk. You do it anyway. Every single time, without fail, you will do it. I know you always will. Just the same way I knew what your answer would be when I first presented you with this crazy scheme that became our life.

Deep down, I thought all along you would accept it. You always had the need to protect others, ever since you first became a big brother and understood the concept of responsibility. You took on that role time after time, never needing to be asked, never having to be reminded about what that duty entailed. It was almost instinct to you, to be there when they needed you regardless of what you were doing. Each brother that came along only heightened your need to prove yourself. Who to, I never knew. Certainly not your mother and I, we knew the type of man you would become from the very first time you opened your eyes. It was as if you had to prove it to yourself.

I hope you have done, son. I hope you have proved it a thousand times over. Every time you take control of a situation, every time you risk your life and those closest to you, you are showing the world what sort of person you are.

That was how I knew what your answer would have been. You've always needed to help, and this gave you a way that no others could dream of. You knew nothing would compare, and you knew they wouldn't be able to do it without you. They might have flown out there even if you weren't there to guide them. But you wouldn't have been able to protect them unless you were there too, and that dictated your answer. You couldn't risk them being out there without you, it was too dangerous.

But I still feared you would say no.

I knew what that would mean for the others. You worried they would be going without you, but you didn't realise. I knew though. I knew that if you had not agreed to my plans, neither would they. They have always looked up to you and followed you, more than I could ever ask they do for me. You were there when no one else was, you inspired them and encouraged them in the way that I should have done. But I didn't…and now I sit there and watch as they follow your lead. It wasn't me that they said yes to when they agreed to do this. It was you. It was their way of proving to you that you had instilled in them the need to do good in the same manner that you did.

If you had said no, everything would have collapsed. Did you ever know how much depended on what syllable left your mouth that day? Probably not if I know you – and I believe I do. You don't realise how much they look to you, you only see the moments they need you.

Now you have gone on to see those moments in the rest of the world as well. You know when the world needs you. I'm sure sometimes you know seconds before the alarm sounds, as if that same instinct that sends you running to your brothers' aid has extended to the world as a whole. You're out there before I've finished briefing, and I know I have no reason to stop you. You know what you are doing, you always have done. Perhaps even more than I do, and this whole scheme was supposed to be my idea.

That haunts me sometimes. I sit here and watch as you fly off to risk your life. I know you know what you are doing, and I know that you would never put anyone in harm's way. Apart from yourself. If you think there is a chance that you can get to one more person, you do it. That scares me. What have I asked of my sons that I know they are going into danger and I'm doing nothing to stop it? I should be the one protecting you all, and yet I know the best way I can offer that protection is by letting you take the lead. You keep them safe physically while you are out there, and I know it is your words that keep their hearts and minds safe when you return.

How can I ask for more from my Field Commander?

I tell myself that I don't, that I never would expect anything more from you. But we both know that is a lie. We both know that you will fly out time after time regardless of what anyone says, and that I will just sit here and expect you to do that. The day you don't is the day that I know I have lost you. For that will be the day when I can no longer predict what is going through your head, and without knowing that I know very little. You have been the one thing that I could rely on no matter what happens.

So that is why I can only sit here and watch as you fly off. I know you are going to save the day and I know many lives will be spared because of your actions, you and your brothers. But I'm content to sit here and watch, because I also know that you will make sure you bring everyone home again. That is the promise I know you have made yourself and that is the promise that I place my hope in.

I can sit here and watch as you leave because I know one thing is for sure.

I'll be sitting here watching as you come home again.


	2. John

_Apparently the idea didn't leave me so I just had to continue._

* * *

The earth was never going to be big enough for you.

We knew from the moment you opened your eyes. There was intelligence there, a promise to do things that I myself could only dream of. You made good on that promise, even from a young age. You might have been the younger brother and you might have looked up to Scott, but you never truly needed him in some of the ways a younger should. You never needed his help with your homework; you never had to ask what a word meant. Part of him might have resented that if it wasn't obvious that he was as proud of you as we – your mother and I – were.

How could we be anything but? You never misbehaved. Or, at least, when you did, you managed it with such an innocent smile on your face that our hearts melted. We always let you get away with things. It was easier than admitting we had no idea how you had managed to achieve them in the first place. It did make buying toys for you hard, however, for you simply could handle everything we offered, nothing was ever enough of a challenge. Scott's planes distracted you for so long, but then you realised they simply didn't go high enough for where it was you were aiming. The sky wasn't your limit; it was just another barrier for you to overcome. I never doubted you would manage it though.

I worried about you as you grew up. You kept yourself to yourself; never trying to join in the others in their games but curling up with a book by yourself. People commented on how isolated you seemed, but I knew you were happy. There was always a sparkle in your eye. Others couldn't see it, maybe not even Scott. But I could. I knew you were content, and should you have wanted to join in, you would have done. Nothing was going to stop you when you had your mind set on things and there was nothing you could not do.

Little did I know how crucial your need for space would be now. In the literal sense as well as you wanting to distance yourself from others. You might alternate with the rotation, but it is you that makes it work. You see things, hear things, understand things that wouldn't even cross our minds. You are the only one who can truly sit back and simply talk through a rescue, regardless of the situation. I struggle enough sitting here watching them fly off, but at least I know they are on the same planet and it's not impossible for me to get to them. How you stay up there, I don't know. I'll never know. In a way, I guess it is the same way I'll never know truly how your mind works.

Taking on Brains was one of the best things I ever did. Not because of his ability to make my dream come true, but because of the companionship he offered you. You were the one to draw him from his shell by asking all the right questions. You finally had someone to learn from again, something I was afraid you had grown out of by the time you were thirteen. That childish sparkle was back in your eye as you were allowed to simply play with the technology being shipped over to us. I know the others thank Brains for his creations, but I see your signature all over them. Anywhere there is some sort of computer system, I just know you had your input in some way. For someone so isolated, you certainly liked to make sure you were involved and no one forgot your presence.

Even now, you make sure of that. The ease with which you communicate through the same system you helped design never ceases to amaze me. You look at home, up there among the stars. Did I do the right thing allowing you up there? No one can deny we miss you terribly and, despite your preference for quiet, you miss us too. But that sparkle is still in your eye and you know you are where you belong. As long as you know that in your heart, then I can ask for no more.

I don't believe you know quite the impact you have on us here. You don't realise it is your calm voice that gets us through every rescue. You never panic, you never show your emotions until you know they can do no harm. Instead, you step back, you take a look at the bigger picture and always have a word or two to guide your brothers. Scott may be their protection out there, but you are his eyes and ears. He counts on you more than you know, more than he would ever want to admit. He wouldn't want to talk about the burden he feels like he places on his little brother, but he is wrong. You can handle it, you are strong. You are far stronger than most people see; a hidden strength that is portrayed through the confident set of your shoulders.

I thought I was asking you to give up your dream when you heard about what I was planning to do. I only had to see your face when you started looking over the designs and jotting down notes to know that I was wrong. This wasn't giving up your dream; this was allowing you to live it. For the first time, you wouldn't have the restraints someone was trying to put on your, no higher authority to answer to other than your own conscience. Since your first shift up in space, that sparkle hasn't left your eyes. Worry sometimes clouds it and fear dampens it, but nothing can ever truly extinguish it. It's as if you have found what you have been striving for your whole life, and I can only be grateful I helped you to find it.


	3. Virgil

_Can't do this without my fab beta! Thanks, Bee!_

* * *

You never know you have an audience every time you sit and play. You immerse yourself in your task so completely it's like nothing else exists. It doesn't matter whether you are trying to capture the colours of the landscape in front of you, or are striving to hit the keys in a way that only makes sense to you. It doesn't even matter if you are determined to install the new parts of machinery yourself; you give the task your utmost attention. In a way, I am glad you don't realise. You fluster yourself when you know you are being observed, especially when you are playing. While your talent is still there for everyone to see, your best pieces are when you play for yourself, not trying to please anyone.

You have spent your whole life trying to please someone. At one moment in time, it might have even been me. But I am no fool; I know the person whose attention you crave is Scott's. It has been since you were old enough to realise he was there to look after you. In a way, you were the brother Scott wanted, the one he needed. You were the one he could look after, teach things and make sure that everything was alright. He understood things by the time it came to you, and made sure you heard about everything that he was learning so you would understand it too. The bond between you is strong, yet you don't see what you give to him. You are his motivation for doing this. He feels the need to prove himself to you as much as you do to him. You challenge him, make him think and stop him from letting the position of Commander going to his head. You ground him, are his anchor and his reason.

You latched onto him in a way I have never seen. You drank in his every word, even when it was clear that your paths were down separate roads. I knew you had to figure that out for yourself, trying to tell you that would have been like talking to a wall. Neither of you listened to reason when it came to the other. At first, I was worried. The way you hero-worshipped him and believed every word that he said made me wonder. Should I have been forcing you apart a little, making you follow your own dreams rather than Scott's? But I never had the courage to split you up and for that I am grateful.

For what started out as worship soon merged into respect, especially as you realised your talents lay down more creative paths compared to Scott's. You learnt he wasn't necessarily right about everything (something we all know we can blame John for, he never hesitated about correcting anyone, even me) but that didn't stop you listening to him. You had such a deep respect for him and I could see in your eyes the only thing you wanted was for him to respect you back in the same way.

I still see that look in your eyes now. Whenever the klaxon sounds, or you are asked to play at one of my formal dinners. Even when Scott short-circuits the panels in his Thunderbird and you volunteer to be the one to put things back together again. You want him to respect you the way you do him. Do you not realise that he already does? The whole family does? How can we tell you that you are the reason this works? Every single time you fly out there, it is you who saves the day. Scott might co-ordinate, but you are the one in the thick of it all. If it wasn't for your courage, your bravery and your sheer determination, our organisation would be nothing. How do you not know you the one that makes this whole crazy scheme work each time you disobey Scott's orders to be safe and instead plunge yourself into danger to save one more person?

It is true that we may not understand where you get your spark from sometimes, it certainly isn't from my side of the family. You take after your mother in more ways than you will ever know. Your smile, your laugh, your easy-going nature. Your love to create something with just your hands, it all comes from her. But while she might have been the one to truly understand what makes your heart beat faster, that doesn't mean the rest of us can't marvel at it. We live in a world of machines, of parts, cogs and gears, of danger and anxiety. You are our balance. You bring colour, light, music and laughter in a way the rest of us can only dream of doing.

I wonder if you see the tension leave Scott's shoulders when he hears you playing after a hard rescue. Or the small smile on John's face when the communication link is left open. The sound of you playing is his piece of home away from home, for it is the way you have dealt with any problem. Even when all you did was hit wooden blocks far more rhythmically for a child your age should have been able to, it was your way of expressing yourself. And knowing you aren't holding things in is what calms him, knowing your reactions are the opposite of each other.

I never hid the fact I was glad you chose engineering rather than a creative industry. I would have supported you either way, and I hope you know that. But looking back now, I know it was the right decision. It means you still have your love, your passion while at the same time being able to work for International Rescue. You bring skills to the table that no one else can, not even Brains and John combined. They might have come up with the parts, but if you were to ask either of your big brothers to attach it in the right place, we all know full well it would end up the wrong way around at least twice.

I find myself wondering sometimes as I stand in the shadows and watch you play. Wondering if you know how much like your mother you are. Wondering if you realise that while she lives on in all of us, it is in you I see her, it is through you that I know she has never left us. Most of all I wonder if you know the comfort that brings me, each and every time I hear your fingers seek out the keys.

I hope you know. I hope you know that despite your efforts to continue doing so; you have nothing left to prove. Perhaps you feel it is to yourself, for it is certainly not to the rest of us. Certainly not to me and definitely not to Scott. You look for respect but don't seem to realise it has been there all along. Somehow, the knowledge that you will never stop seeking to better yourself makes you even more like your mother than you will ever know.


	4. Gordon

_Again, apologies for this taking a while._

_Happy New Year!_

* * *

You were always my impossible child. Walking earlier than the others, running even sooner. As soon as you found your feet, that was it. We couldn't hold you down. We didn't want to.

But finding your feet was nothing compared to when you found water. I should have seen it coming. Your brothers hated getting into the bath. You hated getting out. Although how there was any water left by the time you were done splashing, I never knew. The smile on your face was infectious and it only grew when you saw the size of the first pool. You scared me half to death that day, but you had the time of your life.

Death was something you brushed against far too often for any parent to be happy with. I knew the risks when I set up International Rescue that I was sending you closer to the waiting reaper. But never will I forget how close you came to not even making it that far. The doctors said that you wouldn't live. It was the longest day of my life and I have never felt so helpless. I'm supposed to protect you, it's my role as your father. Yet all I could do was sit there and stare. I couldn't even hold your hand in case that hurt you.

You fought though. You fought and you won, coming back to your family. It was as if you knew we would just fall apart without you. The haunted look in their eyes took a long time to go though, especially when we were then told you wouldn't walk again. You were the one who had discovered the joy of dancing just out of their reach as you taunted them with something. For you not to walk…

But we should have known. You had never stayed down before and you weren't going to do as you were told. Just because the doctors said you wouldn't walk didn't mean anything to you. You wanted to, and so you did it. Stubbornness seems to be a trait that runs through our family, but never have I been as grateful for it as I was then. That glint in your eye made everything right in the world and I just knew that you wouldn't be backing down again.

Watching you now, it's hard to believe you are the same person as you were back then. You've done so much, been through so much and yet you are still so young. Who else would be able to win an Olympic medal, battle and subsequently win against death and still have time to prank each of your brothers before breakfast?

They moan at the tricks. I used to yell at you for them when you were a child. But now… Now I wonder if you realise just how much they save you all. You might be out there daily battling to save strangers, but it is you who saves your brothers. They need that release, a way of letting out laughter even if they don't feel like it. You change the mood and in doing so, you make it so we can actually live here without going insane.

Even to this day, you are still the one holding us together. It might be Scott I rely on and in turn he relies on John and Virgil. You might think it is only Alan who looks to you for comfort, but you are wrong. You are the centre point of this family, the one who will never give up no matter what happens. We need that optimism; the world needs that cheer.

I confess I had second thoughts about whether I wanted you in the organisation. Not just you, but you and Alan. It wasn't that I didn't trust you, or even think that you couldn't handle it. I knew without having to think about it that you would be able to tackle the challenges that it would offer, both mental and physical. You had done it before, after all, and that was the problem.

I couldn't shield you from the horrors you went through back then. You had to face that battle alone and there was nothing I could do. I didn't want you to have to go through it again. I might have failed you then, but I wouldn't let myself do it now. I thought I could protect you from having to come that close to death again.

But then I realised I was wrong. You could deal with being involved. Being left on the side lines, however, I'm not sure you could have coped with. How can you make light of a situation when you don't know what is happening? I've heard about how you are out on the rescues, and how your jokes often have even the most seriously injured victim smiling. You battle to save their bodies and save their minds at the same time, protecting them from the shadows threatening to overtake their thoughts.

How could I deny you a part in that? I know your brothers wouldn't have let me. They would have seen through my reasoning and called me out on it. They might tease you, they might moan about your jokes, but it's only because they know you can take it. You're possibly the strongest of us all and you don't even realise it.

So now I sit and watch, my heart in my mouth as you brush alongside death once more. But just as you did back then, you will not let him take you. In fact, you deny him completely, laughing at the prospect of it while nimbly getting yourself out of trouble. You don't realise quite how talented you are, precisely what it is you are capable of.

You have taken the world by storm on more than one occasion, and now you do it daily. You might not be in the spotlight in the same way, but your achievements are far greater than any medal.


End file.
